“Morning Sickness”… All the time.
I am currently 15 weeks into my pregnancy journey and I have to say, it’s been very different than I expected it to be in my head when we decided to go ahead and start a family. I suppose God has a way of wiping all the suffering from our brains once our little ones greet us after birth because I did not feel properly briefed by other women in my life. After all, it is most certainly worth it in the end… and I know that without even knowing my daughter yet.
And what can you do? It is what it is and life goes on. As women, we’re pretty used to being uncomfortable so I guess we’re somewhat prepared for the ultimate sacrifice our bodies put us through with childbearing. The hardest part is having to pretend you’re okay and live life as normal — especially when it isn’t obvious on the external that you’re pregnant. Yet, I am aware that my current suffering is temporary and for a greater good — something which I am so excited about.
With that being said, I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t break down and cry two nights ago and three different times yesterday morning. Six weeks into constant nausea and random vomiting I told myself, “two weeks to go… one week to go…” and yet, here I am, still enduring the unbearable. Food tastes horrible for the most part, and all I want is sweet things or fast food that have no nutritional value. I have tried everything to remedy it. Sea bands, ginger, keeping food next to the bed, vitamin b6, Unisom, teas, essential oils, you name it. I eat every 30 minutes to feel relief only while physically eating and then straight back into the nausea. And then the sick itself… well, I never know when it’s coming.
I own an acting studio and have to keep a doggie bag on me at all times in case I lose my snack. Two weeks ago, in the middle of script analysis, I had to run to the bathroom and be sick for about 10 minutes while my students waited patiently. Most of the time, I’m able to just hold it down until everyone leaves, then I lose it on my drive home. It. Is. Awful. I will not sugar coat it.
The women who don’t experience pregnancy sickness are so blessed, and I am genuinely so so happy for them. Wow. To experience the whole pregnancy while being present, and excited. Such a beautiful thing. I pray that one day I am able to have that — mostly likely when I am expecting a boy (God willing)! And for those who have it even worse with HG (hyperemesis gravidarum), bless you! I cannot imagine what you must feel. If you’re experiencing this, let me know in the comments and I will pray for you.
I’m the type of person who isolates and never asks for help. I find that this carries over into my prayer life. I tend to go through the daily prayers and pretend that I’m strong and capable of dealing with whatever hardship I am going through — who am I to complain? God is busy with people having it much worse than me… right? That time I broke down two nights ago that I mentioned… well, I got on my knees and begged Christ to release me from my suffering. To ease the burden and have mercy on me. Normally I pray for strength, but this time, I really asked for help.
I’m starting to learn that it’s okay to ask Him. It has taken me a while to get better with releasing control and to trust in Him and His will when it comes to everything else in life (work, financial hardship, family tragedy). But pregnancy so far has thrown me for a loop. It is unexplainable, unlike anything I have ever experienced or ever could imagine before it was real. Through all of this, I am also understanding the unscalable weight it carries both scientifically and spiritually (two things that go hand-in-hand). My husband and I have made our own trinity, and I am creating alongside God. My body just knows how to grow her — even when I’m not eating in my normal nutritious way (haha). His design is so mysterious, so complex, and so wonderful. I cannot wait to meet Emilia.